Sun Sign Leo

I read the other day that Leo's, while not necessarily introverted, are quite introspective. Their energy is externalized and so they are commonly considered extroverts, but in actuality a Leo is not that easy to categorize. This made a lot of sense to me. According to my sun sign I am a Leo but I have never been known as an extrovert. I enjoy my time alone, I prefer a book to most people, and I like to observe in social situations before I feel comfortable expressing myself in them. Although I am quite Leo in other aspects such as boldness, independence, and generosity, this one has never fit, not even a little. So when I read that little blurb about a Leo being introspective, it suddenly made sense. That I am and you can observe this yourself by reading a few of my entries here. I'm sure not all Leo's are this way, just as not all Leo's are extroverts, but this is me and it was comforting to finally feel like I fit my sun sign.

Sun sign or not, I have felt inadequate in the social aspects of my life ever since high school. I could blame a lot of things, but as I get older I realize it's really just part of my character. I'm introverted and I like being that way, unfortunately. Its a tense square within me because there is a part of myself that desires to be that extrovert that Leo's are commonly known for; the life of the party, the social butterfly, the woman with many friends. But when it comes right down to it, I don't have the patience to tend to so many superficial relationships, nor the brashness that would put me in the center of attention in every situation. Because I am generally happy with who I am and my habits as such, I am also rather unwilling to change either of those aspects. Yet the desire lingers.

Anything that is repressed eventually outgrows its confinements and breaks uncontrollably into the psyche, and that is exactly what my own wish for social ability has been doing. Being overly exaggerated, my vision of this highly idealized 'popular' position is skewed, meaning I can't see what it actually looks like in reality. I end up measuring myself against an idealized image of perfection that does not actually exist in reality, and probably wouldn't be possible the way I conceive of it. Being denied, its power grows in my subconscious, making me feel 'held back' and socially inadequate. The desire becomes a mountain I cannot ever climb, a goal I can never reach. The shadow of this mountain also blocks my view of present reality, of the difference between what I think and what is.

I know this because recently I surpassed the mountain briefly and had a glimpse of what was on the other side. Its not what I thought it was at all, and in fact, its almost the opposite. I have joined a support group to quit smoking and here I decided I would let myself go and talk to anyone I wanted to talk to, say anything I wanted to say, join as many groups, whatever, because the goal of quitting was worth any social embarrassment I might feel by being so 'needy.' And I did. It was really fun - for me. I sent countless emails to other people on the site, congratulating them, encouraging them, and sharing my own hopes and fears. I posted forums, I wrote a big profile for myself, I read testimonial after testimonial and wrote to the people that posted those as well. Then I wrote to my best friend in California and I got on myspace and posted a bunch of comments, which I rarely do. I really got involved (at least electronically) with the social scene in a way that was fun for me and hopefully somewhat nice for others as well. And I had a great time. I had a great time expressing myself, bouncing my ideas off the ideas and thoughts of others. By the time lunch rolled around (after I had been at it all morning) I wanted to do it all over again!

That's when it hit me. The difference between what I had been thinking social interaction was all about, and what it was turning out to be in reality. Previously I had been under the impression that when someone makes an effort to talk to me its because they really want to talk to ME. As if their only concern at that moment is my life, and not their own. That somehow, social interaction was a sort of game, and you used communication to further your own cause - the more communication you received from others, the more highly you were prized in their minds. Ha! Whatever! The reason I was so excited about talking to all these people was because it gave me opportunity after opportunity to express MYSELF. I was the one enjoying the exchange, even when it was an email that made no mention of me but rather just congratulated someone else on their achievement. I couldn't tell you any of their names anymore. Some of them wrote me back and if they didn't send my earlier letter in their reply I had no idea what I had said to them or why. Not that I'm callous, I really did care at the time, but the letters were internally rewarding to me in a way that doesn't require any response at all. And so I merely enjoyed the moment for what it was, communication and expression, and let it go.

Now I see that those social butterflies I so idealized in my head were doing the exact same thing that I do when I avoid people, its only the form of enjoyment that is different. That's the base, and up from that we each learn the ins and outs of our individual forms of expression - they learn how to speak, to interact face to face, to put others at ease and make them laugh, while I learn how to form a sentence, increase vocabulary, and the focus to read amidst distraction. Both are valuable skills, and one is not more important than the other as I had so lamented over in my head. Not only that, but social skill does not make any one person any better than any other either. That was another big one for me, idealizing the people who were the image of what I thought I could not have. That one has gotten me in a bit of trouble as well!

This also fits in well with another, rather disappointing, fact I realized soon out of high school. Everyone in high school talked about these great parties and told crazy stories of what happened and it all sounded soo cool to me. I thought it just had to be the greatest experience ever. Then I went to one and it wasn't that great. So I thought it wasn't a 'real' party and went to another. Same thing, kinda boring and predictable, actually. Then I went to a frat party, a house party, a New Years party where some drunk guy shot a gun off in the backyard, a camping party, a beach party, and lots of little apartment parties in between and not one of them was anything like what I thought it was supposed to be. I experienced every one almost the same and finally, after countless parties, I had to admit to myself that the great experience of 'party' simply did not exist in reality as I had imagined it did in my head. It was disappointing because I realized then that I would never have that experience. However, now its liberating because the essence of that is that I am in control of my own experience. Just because someone else thinks something is great does not necessarily mean it will be for me and I don't have to project my unfulfilled desires onto the unknown anymore.

Perhaps in the past I felt like I did not deserve the title of Leo. They are the kings and queens of the zodiac, and have the most influential planet, the sun. I loved to talk about those things, but I never really felt like I'd lived up to the Leonine reputation because of my introversion. I am beginning to see things differently, however, and its because of that brief glimpse over the mountain I had about social energies. They are rewarding in and of themselves, as introspection is to me, and not something to be either idealized or looked down upon. Certainly nothing to judge a Leo by. After all, it is only one characteristic out of many qualities, and isn't it rather simplistic to base an evaluation of character on only one trait? So yes, Leo I am, and Leo I will remain!

Leaving the Nest

Ah, writing is such a relief! Although at times I come here to really put something together, at times like these, I just need to release. I need to move my fingers over the keyboard, to put together a string of words that makes sense, and to just delve into the realm of ideas that are constantly streaming through my mind.

I was thinking about my parents today. When I was 17 I took legal action to become emancipated from them so I could move out as soon as I graduated. It was a good move for all of us, since living with me - and them - had become close to intolerable for all of us. I had to be emancipated to sign a legal contract and enter into a lease for an apartment down the street. I remember the first night there; I didn't even have a real bed or much furniture, but I sat on the floor of my bedroom and said to myself "this is my place." What I thought would be a new sense of freedom, or of independence, or of stability - something - was strangely disappointing. I thought to myself "well, it just hasn't sunk in yet." The fact was, I felt the same. I still had the bitterness of being oppressed, the rebellion against authority, and the conceit that told me I had the inside scoop on the ways of the world. The only thing that had really changed was my immediate focus, and a new bedroom couldn't change that.

Of course, I couldn't see that at the time and looking back I was probably rebelling against the very idea that the fault of my bad attitude was my own. So I continued to act out the drama with my parents. A psychologist will tell you that a strong emotional attachment is an attachment whether it takes a negative or a positive form. So while I was thinking that I was better than others because I had physically moved out of my parents house, I was still "living at home" in my head. Still acting out against my parents, still desperate somehow for their approval, albeit in a twisted way. I suppose this was actually better for them, for I know I would've been a hellion to live with at that time otherwise.

Instead I was worried about roommates, paying rent, and keeping a job, which did keep me to the straight and narrow in some respects. I've learned some harsh lessons there as well, some I still pay for even, but over the years my attachment to my parents has become a much more positive connection and one I deeply value. In fact, I've grown so close to my parents I am almost a carbon copy of my mother, and think quite clearly like my father. They always said I was an equal combination of the both of them (although they were speaking of my physical characteristics)! Recently I've become aware of how much I really depend on them, and it is this awakening that led me to the conclusion that I always have. As I said, I physically left, but a bigger part of me was still 'in the nest.'

I call my parents every week. We go out to dinner or coffee two or three times a week. They are involved in every major decision in my life and have influenced the place I work at, live at, the car I drive, and the school I am attending. Their advice is incredibly important to me and what they say has a big influence on the path I choose to follow. It always had, I just hid the stuff I knew they wouldn't approve of. Now, however, I sense that things are changing.

When I told my parents that I was moving my mother made the comment that I was finally 'leaving the nest.' It struck me as entirely appropriate despite the fact that I haven't lived with them for almost ten years. Getting this apartment has been the first major decision I have made for myself without their prior advice in a long time. To be totally honest, nothing was set in stone until I told them and I hadn't even told my close friends, so it would have been easy to back out - just in case. But it seems that I have finally achieved the ability to think on my own in a way that resembles my parents guidance, yet at the same time is uniquely my own. Or rather, the 'my own' part is emerging for the first time; honestly I'm not really sure.

Since that day it has occurred to me, in a way it never has before, that my parents have their own lives they are living that have nothing to do with mine. That my success, achievement, and happiness really only makes a lasting difference in my life. Yes, they are happy for me when things go well, but they're not here 24/7 like I am, living it, and experiencing it fully in my shoes. Somehow this fact has escaped me, although now it seems glaringly obvious. Somehow, I attributed their pleasure, their pride, at my life as my own. When I did something great, I wanted them to see it, thinking they would feel the same sense of achievement that I felt. And my own feelings weren't entirely complete until they had added theirs.

At this point I'm sure it probably sounds like I hide from life behind my parents apron strings, and I will take a brief break to assure you that that is not the case. I am quite able to function very well on my own. I am addressing here a certain aspect of myself that is finally coming to light, but is not, in the least, the dominant characteristic of my personality. I love and respect my parents for much more than what they do to ease my emotional turbulence. However, in another perspective, isn't that part of a parents job? Isn't this just another part of the maturing process that parents are there to help you through? And in that sense, I love them more for it even while I was denying it.

Yet, as I see it, it starts to fade. Today I let the urge to call and 'check on' my parents pass. I let it pass, not because I don't want to know, but because I wanted to have their reaction to a significant event in my life and I realized I didn't need it. Its a sad parting but I sense that it will make our relationship even more fulfilling in the years to come. I think we have all reached a point where we can no longer continue the parent/child relationship. Where a deeper connection can be forged between all of us by relating as adults - and I speak mostly of myself, for I know my parents have been relating to me on that level for quite some time. It it now time for me to fully enter the relationship as a bird that can fly and 'leave the nest.'