Leaving the Nest

Ah, writing is such a relief! Although at times I come here to really put something together, at times like these, I just need to release. I need to move my fingers over the keyboard, to put together a string of words that makes sense, and to just delve into the realm of ideas that are constantly streaming through my mind.

I was thinking about my parents today. When I was 17 I took legal action to become emancipated from them so I could move out as soon as I graduated. It was a good move for all of us, since living with me - and them - had become close to intolerable for all of us. I had to be emancipated to sign a legal contract and enter into a lease for an apartment down the street. I remember the first night there; I didn't even have a real bed or much furniture, but I sat on the floor of my bedroom and said to myself "this is my place." What I thought would be a new sense of freedom, or of independence, or of stability - something - was strangely disappointing. I thought to myself "well, it just hasn't sunk in yet." The fact was, I felt the same. I still had the bitterness of being oppressed, the rebellion against authority, and the conceit that told me I had the inside scoop on the ways of the world. The only thing that had really changed was my immediate focus, and a new bedroom couldn't change that.

Of course, I couldn't see that at the time and looking back I was probably rebelling against the very idea that the fault of my bad attitude was my own. So I continued to act out the drama with my parents. A psychologist will tell you that a strong emotional attachment is an attachment whether it takes a negative or a positive form. So while I was thinking that I was better than others because I had physically moved out of my parents house, I was still "living at home" in my head. Still acting out against my parents, still desperate somehow for their approval, albeit in a twisted way. I suppose this was actually better for them, for I know I would've been a hellion to live with at that time otherwise.

Instead I was worried about roommates, paying rent, and keeping a job, which did keep me to the straight and narrow in some respects. I've learned some harsh lessons there as well, some I still pay for even, but over the years my attachment to my parents has become a much more positive connection and one I deeply value. In fact, I've grown so close to my parents I am almost a carbon copy of my mother, and think quite clearly like my father. They always said I was an equal combination of the both of them (although they were speaking of my physical characteristics)! Recently I've become aware of how much I really depend on them, and it is this awakening that led me to the conclusion that I always have. As I said, I physically left, but a bigger part of me was still 'in the nest.'

I call my parents every week. We go out to dinner or coffee two or three times a week. They are involved in every major decision in my life and have influenced the place I work at, live at, the car I drive, and the school I am attending. Their advice is incredibly important to me and what they say has a big influence on the path I choose to follow. It always had, I just hid the stuff I knew they wouldn't approve of. Now, however, I sense that things are changing.

When I told my parents that I was moving my mother made the comment that I was finally 'leaving the nest.' It struck me as entirely appropriate despite the fact that I haven't lived with them for almost ten years. Getting this apartment has been the first major decision I have made for myself without their prior advice in a long time. To be totally honest, nothing was set in stone until I told them and I hadn't even told my close friends, so it would have been easy to back out - just in case. But it seems that I have finally achieved the ability to think on my own in a way that resembles my parents guidance, yet at the same time is uniquely my own. Or rather, the 'my own' part is emerging for the first time; honestly I'm not really sure.

Since that day it has occurred to me, in a way it never has before, that my parents have their own lives they are living that have nothing to do with mine. That my success, achievement, and happiness really only makes a lasting difference in my life. Yes, they are happy for me when things go well, but they're not here 24/7 like I am, living it, and experiencing it fully in my shoes. Somehow this fact has escaped me, although now it seems glaringly obvious. Somehow, I attributed their pleasure, their pride, at my life as my own. When I did something great, I wanted them to see it, thinking they would feel the same sense of achievement that I felt. And my own feelings weren't entirely complete until they had added theirs.

At this point I'm sure it probably sounds like I hide from life behind my parents apron strings, and I will take a brief break to assure you that that is not the case. I am quite able to function very well on my own. I am addressing here a certain aspect of myself that is finally coming to light, but is not, in the least, the dominant characteristic of my personality. I love and respect my parents for much more than what they do to ease my emotional turbulence. However, in another perspective, isn't that part of a parents job? Isn't this just another part of the maturing process that parents are there to help you through? And in that sense, I love them more for it even while I was denying it.

Yet, as I see it, it starts to fade. Today I let the urge to call and 'check on' my parents pass. I let it pass, not because I don't want to know, but because I wanted to have their reaction to a significant event in my life and I realized I didn't need it. Its a sad parting but I sense that it will make our relationship even more fulfilling in the years to come. I think we have all reached a point where we can no longer continue the parent/child relationship. Where a deeper connection can be forged between all of us by relating as adults - and I speak mostly of myself, for I know my parents have been relating to me on that level for quite some time. It it now time for me to fully enter the relationship as a bird that can fly and 'leave the nest.'