I read the other day that Leo's, while not necessarily introverted, are quite introspective. Their energy is externalized and so they are commonly considered extroverts, but in actuality a Leo is not that easy to categorize. This made a lot of sense to me. According to my sun sign I am a Leo but I have never been known as an extrovert. I enjoy my time alone, I prefer a book to most people, and I like to observe in social situations before I feel comfortable expressing myself in them. Although I am quite Leo in other aspects such as boldness, independence, and generosity, this one has never fit, not even a little. So when I read that little blurb about a Leo being introspective, it suddenly made sense. That I am and you can observe this yourself by reading a few of my entries here. I'm sure not all Leo's are this way, just as not all Leo's are extroverts, but this is me and it was comforting to finally feel like I fit my sun sign.
Sun sign or not, I have felt inadequate in the social aspects of my life ever since high school. I could blame a lot of things, but as I get older I realize it's really just part of my character. I'm introverted and I like being that way, unfortunately. Its a tense square within me because there is a part of myself that desires to be that extrovert that Leo's are commonly known for; the life of the party, the social butterfly, the woman with many friends. But when it comes right down to it, I don't have the patience to tend to so many superficial relationships, nor the brashness that would put me in the center of attention in every situation. Because I am generally happy with who I am and my habits as such, I am also rather unwilling to change either of those aspects. Yet the desire lingers.
Anything that is repressed eventually outgrows its confinements and breaks uncontrollably into the psyche, and that is exactly what my own wish for social ability has been doing. Being overly exaggerated, my vision of this highly idealized 'popular' position is skewed, meaning I can't see what it actually looks like in reality. I end up measuring myself against an idealized image of perfection that does not actually exist in reality, and probably wouldn't be possible the way I conceive of it. Being denied, its power grows in my subconscious, making me feel 'held back' and socially inadequate. The desire becomes a mountain I cannot ever climb, a goal I can never reach. The shadow of this mountain also blocks my view of present reality, of the difference between what I think and what is.
I know this because recently I surpassed the mountain briefly and had a glimpse of what was on the other side. Its not what I thought it was at all, and in fact, its almost the opposite. I have joined a support group to quit smoking and here I decided I would let myself go and talk to anyone I wanted to talk to, say anything I wanted to say, join as many groups, whatever, because the goal of quitting was worth any social embarrassment I might feel by being so 'needy.' And I did. It was really fun - for me. I sent countless emails to other people on the site, congratulating them, encouraging them, and sharing my own hopes and fears. I posted forums, I wrote a big profile for myself, I read testimonial after testimonial and wrote to the people that posted those as well. Then I wrote to my best friend in California and I got on myspace and posted a bunch of comments, which I rarely do. I really got involved (at least electronically) with the social scene in a way that was fun for me and hopefully somewhat nice for others as well. And I had a great time. I had a great time expressing myself, bouncing my ideas off the ideas and thoughts of others. By the time lunch rolled around (after I had been at it all morning) I wanted to do it all over again!
That's when it hit me. The difference between what I had been thinking social interaction was all about, and what it was turning out to be in reality. Previously I had been under the impression that when someone makes an effort to talk to me its because they really want to talk to ME. As if their only concern at that moment is my life, and not their own. That somehow, social interaction was a sort of game, and you used communication to further your own cause - the more communication you received from others, the more highly you were prized in their minds. Ha! Whatever! The reason I was so excited about talking to all these people was because it gave me opportunity after opportunity to express MYSELF. I was the one enjoying the exchange, even when it was an email that made no mention of me but rather just congratulated someone else on their achievement. I couldn't tell you any of their names anymore. Some of them wrote me back and if they didn't send my earlier letter in their reply I had no idea what I had said to them or why. Not that I'm callous, I really did care at the time, but the letters were internally rewarding to me in a way that doesn't require any response at all. And so I merely enjoyed the moment for what it was, communication and expression, and let it go.
Now I see that those social butterflies I so idealized in my head were doing the exact same thing that I do when I avoid people, its only the form of enjoyment that is different. That's the base, and up from that we each learn the ins and outs of our individual forms of expression - they learn how to speak, to interact face to face, to put others at ease and make them laugh, while I learn how to form a sentence, increase vocabulary, and the focus to read amidst distraction. Both are valuable skills, and one is not more important than the other as I had so lamented over in my head. Not only that, but social skill does not make any one person any better than any other either. That was another big one for me, idealizing the people who were the image of what I thought I could not have. That one has gotten me in a bit of trouble as well!
This also fits in well with another, rather disappointing, fact I realized soon out of high school. Everyone in high school talked about these great parties and told crazy stories of what happened and it all sounded soo cool to me. I thought it just had to be the greatest experience ever. Then I went to one and it wasn't that great. So I thought it wasn't a 'real' party and went to another. Same thing, kinda boring and predictable, actually. Then I went to a frat party, a house party, a New Years party where some drunk guy shot a gun off in the backyard, a camping party, a beach party, and lots of little apartment parties in between and not one of them was anything like what I thought it was supposed to be. I experienced every one almost the same and finally, after countless parties, I had to admit to myself that the great experience of 'party' simply did not exist in reality as I had imagined it did in my head. It was disappointing because I realized then that I would never have that experience. However, now its liberating because the essence of that is that I am in control of my own experience. Just because someone else thinks something is great does not necessarily mean it will be for me and I don't have to project my unfulfilled desires onto the unknown anymore.
Perhaps in the past I felt like I did not deserve the title of Leo. They are the kings and queens of the zodiac, and have the most influential planet, the sun. I loved to talk about those things, but I never really felt like I'd lived up to the Leonine reputation because of my introversion. I am beginning to see things differently, however, and its because of that brief glimpse over the mountain I had about social energies. They are rewarding in and of themselves, as introspection is to me, and not something to be either idealized or looked down upon. Certainly nothing to judge a Leo by. After all, it is only one characteristic out of many qualities, and isn't it rather simplistic to base an evaluation of character on only one trait? So yes, Leo I am, and Leo I will remain!
Friday, February 09, 2007
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Leaving the Nest
Ah, writing is such a relief! Although at times I come here to really put something together, at times like these, I just need to release. I need to move my fingers over the keyboard, to put together a string of words that makes sense, and to just delve into the realm of ideas that are constantly streaming through my mind.
I was thinking about my parents today. When I was 17 I took legal action to become emancipated from them so I could move out as soon as I graduated. It was a good move for all of us, since living with me - and them - had become close to intolerable for all of us. I had to be emancipated to sign a legal contract and enter into a lease for an apartment down the street. I remember the first night there; I didn't even have a real bed or much furniture, but I sat on the floor of my bedroom and said to myself "this is my place." What I thought would be a new sense of freedom, or of independence, or of stability - something - was strangely disappointing. I thought to myself "well, it just hasn't sunk in yet." The fact was, I felt the same. I still had the bitterness of being oppressed, the rebellion against authority, and the conceit that told me I had the inside scoop on the ways of the world. The only thing that had really changed was my immediate focus, and a new bedroom couldn't change that.
Of course, I couldn't see that at the time and looking back I was probably rebelling against the very idea that the fault of my bad attitude was my own. So I continued to act out the drama with my parents. A psychologist will tell you that a strong emotional attachment is an attachment whether it takes a negative or a positive form. So while I was thinking that I was better than others because I had physically moved out of my parents house, I was still "living at home" in my head. Still acting out against my parents, still desperate somehow for their approval, albeit in a twisted way. I suppose this was actually better for them, for I know I would've been a hellion to live with at that time otherwise.
Instead I was worried about roommates, paying rent, and keeping a job, which did keep me to the straight and narrow in some respects. I've learned some harsh lessons there as well, some I still pay for even, but over the years my attachment to my parents has become a much more positive connection and one I deeply value. In fact, I've grown so close to my parents I am almost a carbon copy of my mother, and think quite clearly like my father. They always said I was an equal combination of the both of them (although they were speaking of my physical characteristics)! Recently I've become aware of how much I really depend on them, and it is this awakening that led me to the conclusion that I always have. As I said, I physically left, but a bigger part of me was still 'in the nest.'
I call my parents every week. We go out to dinner or coffee two or three times a week. They are involved in every major decision in my life and have influenced the place I work at, live at, the car I drive, and the school I am attending. Their advice is incredibly important to me and what they say has a big influence on the path I choose to follow. It always had, I just hid the stuff I knew they wouldn't approve of. Now, however, I sense that things are changing.
When I told my parents that I was moving my mother made the comment that I was finally 'leaving the nest.' It struck me as entirely appropriate despite the fact that I haven't lived with them for almost ten years. Getting this apartment has been the first major decision I have made for myself without their prior advice in a long time. To be totally honest, nothing was set in stone until I told them and I hadn't even told my close friends, so it would have been easy to back out - just in case. But it seems that I have finally achieved the ability to think on my own in a way that resembles my parents guidance, yet at the same time is uniquely my own. Or rather, the 'my own' part is emerging for the first time; honestly I'm not really sure.
Since that day it has occurred to me, in a way it never has before, that my parents have their own lives they are living that have nothing to do with mine. That my success, achievement, and happiness really only makes a lasting difference in my life. Yes, they are happy for me when things go well, but they're not here 24/7 like I am, living it, and experiencing it fully in my shoes. Somehow this fact has escaped me, although now it seems glaringly obvious. Somehow, I attributed their pleasure, their pride, at my life as my own. When I did something great, I wanted them to see it, thinking they would feel the same sense of achievement that I felt. And my own feelings weren't entirely complete until they had added theirs.
At this point I'm sure it probably sounds like I hide from life behind my parents apron strings, and I will take a brief break to assure you that that is not the case. I am quite able to function very well on my own. I am addressing here a certain aspect of myself that is finally coming to light, but is not, in the least, the dominant characteristic of my personality. I love and respect my parents for much more than what they do to ease my emotional turbulence. However, in another perspective, isn't that part of a parents job? Isn't this just another part of the maturing process that parents are there to help you through? And in that sense, I love them more for it even while I was denying it.
Yet, as I see it, it starts to fade. Today I let the urge to call and 'check on' my parents pass. I let it pass, not because I don't want to know, but because I wanted to have their reaction to a significant event in my life and I realized I didn't need it. Its a sad parting but I sense that it will make our relationship even more fulfilling in the years to come. I think we have all reached a point where we can no longer continue the parent/child relationship. Where a deeper connection can be forged between all of us by relating as adults - and I speak mostly of myself, for I know my parents have been relating to me on that level for quite some time. It it now time for me to fully enter the relationship as a bird that can fly and 'leave the nest.'
I was thinking about my parents today. When I was 17 I took legal action to become emancipated from them so I could move out as soon as I graduated. It was a good move for all of us, since living with me - and them - had become close to intolerable for all of us. I had to be emancipated to sign a legal contract and enter into a lease for an apartment down the street. I remember the first night there; I didn't even have a real bed or much furniture, but I sat on the floor of my bedroom and said to myself "this is my place." What I thought would be a new sense of freedom, or of independence, or of stability - something - was strangely disappointing. I thought to myself "well, it just hasn't sunk in yet." The fact was, I felt the same. I still had the bitterness of being oppressed, the rebellion against authority, and the conceit that told me I had the inside scoop on the ways of the world. The only thing that had really changed was my immediate focus, and a new bedroom couldn't change that.
Of course, I couldn't see that at the time and looking back I was probably rebelling against the very idea that the fault of my bad attitude was my own. So I continued to act out the drama with my parents. A psychologist will tell you that a strong emotional attachment is an attachment whether it takes a negative or a positive form. So while I was thinking that I was better than others because I had physically moved out of my parents house, I was still "living at home" in my head. Still acting out against my parents, still desperate somehow for their approval, albeit in a twisted way. I suppose this was actually better for them, for I know I would've been a hellion to live with at that time otherwise.
Instead I was worried about roommates, paying rent, and keeping a job, which did keep me to the straight and narrow in some respects. I've learned some harsh lessons there as well, some I still pay for even, but over the years my attachment to my parents has become a much more positive connection and one I deeply value. In fact, I've grown so close to my parents I am almost a carbon copy of my mother, and think quite clearly like my father. They always said I was an equal combination of the both of them (although they were speaking of my physical characteristics)! Recently I've become aware of how much I really depend on them, and it is this awakening that led me to the conclusion that I always have. As I said, I physically left, but a bigger part of me was still 'in the nest.'
I call my parents every week. We go out to dinner or coffee two or three times a week. They are involved in every major decision in my life and have influenced the place I work at, live at, the car I drive, and the school I am attending. Their advice is incredibly important to me and what they say has a big influence on the path I choose to follow. It always had, I just hid the stuff I knew they wouldn't approve of. Now, however, I sense that things are changing.
When I told my parents that I was moving my mother made the comment that I was finally 'leaving the nest.' It struck me as entirely appropriate despite the fact that I haven't lived with them for almost ten years. Getting this apartment has been the first major decision I have made for myself without their prior advice in a long time. To be totally honest, nothing was set in stone until I told them and I hadn't even told my close friends, so it would have been easy to back out - just in case. But it seems that I have finally achieved the ability to think on my own in a way that resembles my parents guidance, yet at the same time is uniquely my own. Or rather, the 'my own' part is emerging for the first time; honestly I'm not really sure.
Since that day it has occurred to me, in a way it never has before, that my parents have their own lives they are living that have nothing to do with mine. That my success, achievement, and happiness really only makes a lasting difference in my life. Yes, they are happy for me when things go well, but they're not here 24/7 like I am, living it, and experiencing it fully in my shoes. Somehow this fact has escaped me, although now it seems glaringly obvious. Somehow, I attributed their pleasure, their pride, at my life as my own. When I did something great, I wanted them to see it, thinking they would feel the same sense of achievement that I felt. And my own feelings weren't entirely complete until they had added theirs.
At this point I'm sure it probably sounds like I hide from life behind my parents apron strings, and I will take a brief break to assure you that that is not the case. I am quite able to function very well on my own. I am addressing here a certain aspect of myself that is finally coming to light, but is not, in the least, the dominant characteristic of my personality. I love and respect my parents for much more than what they do to ease my emotional turbulence. However, in another perspective, isn't that part of a parents job? Isn't this just another part of the maturing process that parents are there to help you through? And in that sense, I love them more for it even while I was denying it.
Yet, as I see it, it starts to fade. Today I let the urge to call and 'check on' my parents pass. I let it pass, not because I don't want to know, but because I wanted to have their reaction to a significant event in my life and I realized I didn't need it. Its a sad parting but I sense that it will make our relationship even more fulfilling in the years to come. I think we have all reached a point where we can no longer continue the parent/child relationship. Where a deeper connection can be forged between all of us by relating as adults - and I speak mostly of myself, for I know my parents have been relating to me on that level for quite some time. It it now time for me to fully enter the relationship as a bird that can fly and 'leave the nest.'
Sunday, January 28, 2007
House Rewards
Well, you'll be happy to know that after a year of contemplating I have finally made the decision to move. I had to settle. I wanted to own something and I tried to buy, but my credit wouldn't let me. That was six months ago. I said at the time that the energy I invested really trying to get into the condo had showed me how much I desired to own. Really, it showed me how much I was ready to move on. Spending the money I had put aside for a down payment on braces, when the call came again I knew that I would answer it by renting.
As soon as I allowed the possibility to enter my mind the opportunities came rushing in. Suddenly I was excited, and doors literally flew open for me. The call was answered in the form of a lovely little place close to work in a premier apartment community. I was attracted by the lush landscaping in their ad, and when I called inquiring about a third story apartment, she said they had just had an opening. I looked at it within the hour and was impressed by the amount of attention the builders had taken to ensure that the complex was aesthetically pleasing both inside and out. The whole community is nestled up next to a wildlife preserve and on the day that I visited there were deer tracks in the snow. Mature trees fill the interior of the complex as well, and the grounds include tennis courts, and swimming pool, and a hot tub. I later learned that during the summer complimentary drinks are served by the pool for renters and their guests. This and so much more!
The apartment that had just come available is at the back of the complex with a view of the wildlife preserve. It has vaulted ceilings and a washer and dryer, two things that by themselves make the move appealing. The complex has carports, garages, and little extra storage units near every building for the residents to use. The appliances are new, the carpet is new, and it was being freshly painted the day I came to look. On every single level this place is a step up for me; one that I deserve and can't wait to enjoy.
I have lived in my complex now for three years. For three years I have trucked my laundry down three flights of stairs and paid three dollars in quarters to wash a load. For three years my car has been exposed to the elements and my guests have had to walk over the river and through the woods just to get to my spot. I have cleaned this apartment thousands of times without ever getting the dirt out. I have dealt with ants in the summer, and drafts in the winter for three seasons. I am ready.
Don't get me wrong, I love this little place. I loved it the very first day I moved in and I still love it now. I love making it the cozy, well worn, nest on a rooftop that it is. And its super cheap. After living in someone else's basement, counting pennies for food, and walking to work every day, being able to live without a care in the world for money is wonderful. As I grew here, my income increased and slowly the constraints I felt at first were completely lifted. Now, I live in total abundance. That's an experience everyone should have once in their life, its great! That is also what I am giving up for another place that I love.
I was pouring over this before I made my final decision; going over my bills and the expenses I'd be taking on to have this new apartment. I'll have to live with a budget again. I'll have to cut the excess spending that I've been lavishly enjoying. I'll have to think about what I buy and think about saving again. I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't do it for any other place - there is no place I would rather live than this pretty new nest in real wildlife. It is everything that I wished this apartment would be and more. It has everything I enjoy about this apartment, and on an entirely new level. To me, that is worth paying for.
In a sense, it is the perfect reward to myself for making the best of the apartment I have now. It has been called the "ghetto" before by people who have visited, and certainly there are plenty of things I could have complained about. But it was my place and I loved it even for it's shortfalls because I knew how much I needed it. Psychologically it has been my castle simply because its all mine, and now I'm coming even closer to a real castle - something even the standards of quality living would love.
Its not an ego thing, either. While I'm proud of the fact that no one will be able to call my place "ghetto" anymore, and in fact I think it's going to be quite impressive, I wouldn't pay almost twice my current rent to get a compliment. I want to live there because I feel it more accurately reflects where I am in my life. I have a good job, I'm a stable and responsible person, I take care of myself, and now I pay my bills on time and I want something concrete that reflects that improvement. As my basement living experience can attest, it wasn't always this way, but now that it is I am ready for my home to show it off. Yes, I'm proud of myself and of what I have achieved personally and I want people to know. At the same time, though, its going to be me that enjoys the place, spends time in it, and pays for it. So it truly is my reward - I worked hard, and I deserve it.
That's the only thing that will get me through the whole process of moving anyway!
As soon as I allowed the possibility to enter my mind the opportunities came rushing in. Suddenly I was excited, and doors literally flew open for me. The call was answered in the form of a lovely little place close to work in a premier apartment community. I was attracted by the lush landscaping in their ad, and when I called inquiring about a third story apartment, she said they had just had an opening. I looked at it within the hour and was impressed by the amount of attention the builders had taken to ensure that the complex was aesthetically pleasing both inside and out. The whole community is nestled up next to a wildlife preserve and on the day that I visited there were deer tracks in the snow. Mature trees fill the interior of the complex as well, and the grounds include tennis courts, and swimming pool, and a hot tub. I later learned that during the summer complimentary drinks are served by the pool for renters and their guests. This and so much more!
The apartment that had just come available is at the back of the complex with a view of the wildlife preserve. It has vaulted ceilings and a washer and dryer, two things that by themselves make the move appealing. The complex has carports, garages, and little extra storage units near every building for the residents to use. The appliances are new, the carpet is new, and it was being freshly painted the day I came to look. On every single level this place is a step up for me; one that I deserve and can't wait to enjoy.
I have lived in my complex now for three years. For three years I have trucked my laundry down three flights of stairs and paid three dollars in quarters to wash a load. For three years my car has been exposed to the elements and my guests have had to walk over the river and through the woods just to get to my spot. I have cleaned this apartment thousands of times without ever getting the dirt out. I have dealt with ants in the summer, and drafts in the winter for three seasons. I am ready.
Don't get me wrong, I love this little place. I loved it the very first day I moved in and I still love it now. I love making it the cozy, well worn, nest on a rooftop that it is. And its super cheap. After living in someone else's basement, counting pennies for food, and walking to work every day, being able to live without a care in the world for money is wonderful. As I grew here, my income increased and slowly the constraints I felt at first were completely lifted. Now, I live in total abundance. That's an experience everyone should have once in their life, its great! That is also what I am giving up for another place that I love.
I was pouring over this before I made my final decision; going over my bills and the expenses I'd be taking on to have this new apartment. I'll have to live with a budget again. I'll have to cut the excess spending that I've been lavishly enjoying. I'll have to think about what I buy and think about saving again. I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't do it for any other place - there is no place I would rather live than this pretty new nest in real wildlife. It is everything that I wished this apartment would be and more. It has everything I enjoy about this apartment, and on an entirely new level. To me, that is worth paying for.
In a sense, it is the perfect reward to myself for making the best of the apartment I have now. It has been called the "ghetto" before by people who have visited, and certainly there are plenty of things I could have complained about. But it was my place and I loved it even for it's shortfalls because I knew how much I needed it. Psychologically it has been my castle simply because its all mine, and now I'm coming even closer to a real castle - something even the standards of quality living would love.
Its not an ego thing, either. While I'm proud of the fact that no one will be able to call my place "ghetto" anymore, and in fact I think it's going to be quite impressive, I wouldn't pay almost twice my current rent to get a compliment. I want to live there because I feel it more accurately reflects where I am in my life. I have a good job, I'm a stable and responsible person, I take care of myself, and now I pay my bills on time and I want something concrete that reflects that improvement. As my basement living experience can attest, it wasn't always this way, but now that it is I am ready for my home to show it off. Yes, I'm proud of myself and of what I have achieved personally and I want people to know. At the same time, though, its going to be me that enjoys the place, spends time in it, and pays for it. So it truly is my reward - I worked hard, and I deserve it.
That's the only thing that will get me through the whole process of moving anyway!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Personal Trainers = Results!
Personal training is something I never thought I would ask for. I'm a relatively healthy female, about average weight, and I go to the gym on average three times a week. Personal trainers, I thought, were for people who had a long way to go towards the goal of health and needed someone to keep them accountable on that path. If I ever wanted to get serious about seeing more specific results for myself, I would just go to the gym more. Never did I think I would actually pay for it.
Things changed this year, as it seems many things are changing in my life. One of the trainers at my gym offered me a free consultation and together we talked about my goals, my habits, and found out exactly where I was at fitness-wise. Being that the holidays had just commenced and I had let my gym visits slip a little, I was under par for fitness. I could feel it too; a little squishy in places I hadn't noticed before and my energy level seemed sluggish as well. As we talked, I realized that I'd had the same goals for a long time but had never "just done it." I had never been able to push myself to the point where I was really seeing results. I skated along, just getting by, and hoped that eventually something would change. Clearly that wasn't going to happen, and so I was ripe for the sale.
Today I met with my trainer, Leland, for the second of five visits and he kicked my you-know-what! It was great. Not only have I been learning a lot about form but I have never pushed myself as hard as he does, and I know I never would have if he wasn't there encouraging me. And it truly is encouragement; Leland points out things about my form, the weight I can lift, and the subtle differences about my body that are unique to me and that I can work with to enhance. Its an hour of support, really. Someone there who tells you you can do it, who believes you can do it, and gives you the tools and resources you need to do it. That kind of personal support is priceless.
I left the gym today feeling better than I have in a long time. My body was totally worked, I felt emotionally supported and uplifted due to the positive reinforcements, and I can see the glimmers of a new kind of belief in myself. Now, more than ever before, I can see myself succeeding in producing the results I want. As I shape up in my mind, actual desire arises in me to tweak my habits and bring success that much closer. Habits like eating cleaner, standing straighter, and stretching - all things I haven't really paid much attention to. And its a desire, not a demand, which makes it that much easier to follow. Where before I would imagine myself practically forcing vegetables down my throat to see results, now I really want to eat those vegetables!
I have to say, my opinion about personal training has radically changed. Personal trainers are for anyone who wants to see results, and not just major ones, but even the minor ones. Sometimes the subtle things can be enough to change your outlook from one of failure to one of success.
Things changed this year, as it seems many things are changing in my life. One of the trainers at my gym offered me a free consultation and together we talked about my goals, my habits, and found out exactly where I was at fitness-wise. Being that the holidays had just commenced and I had let my gym visits slip a little, I was under par for fitness. I could feel it too; a little squishy in places I hadn't noticed before and my energy level seemed sluggish as well. As we talked, I realized that I'd had the same goals for a long time but had never "just done it." I had never been able to push myself to the point where I was really seeing results. I skated along, just getting by, and hoped that eventually something would change. Clearly that wasn't going to happen, and so I was ripe for the sale.
Today I met with my trainer, Leland, for the second of five visits and he kicked my you-know-what! It was great. Not only have I been learning a lot about form but I have never pushed myself as hard as he does, and I know I never would have if he wasn't there encouraging me. And it truly is encouragement; Leland points out things about my form, the weight I can lift, and the subtle differences about my body that are unique to me and that I can work with to enhance. Its an hour of support, really. Someone there who tells you you can do it, who believes you can do it, and gives you the tools and resources you need to do it. That kind of personal support is priceless.
I left the gym today feeling better than I have in a long time. My body was totally worked, I felt emotionally supported and uplifted due to the positive reinforcements, and I can see the glimmers of a new kind of belief in myself. Now, more than ever before, I can see myself succeeding in producing the results I want. As I shape up in my mind, actual desire arises in me to tweak my habits and bring success that much closer. Habits like eating cleaner, standing straighter, and stretching - all things I haven't really paid much attention to. And its a desire, not a demand, which makes it that much easier to follow. Where before I would imagine myself practically forcing vegetables down my throat to see results, now I really want to eat those vegetables!
I have to say, my opinion about personal training has radically changed. Personal trainers are for anyone who wants to see results, and not just major ones, but even the minor ones. Sometimes the subtle things can be enough to change your outlook from one of failure to one of success.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
To Be or Not to Be, That is the Question
I read an article the other day about the evolution of the human mind. It said that we tend to think that humans of the past had the same mental capabilities that we do today, but that is an illusion. One of the examples that demonstrated the point was the fact that as Shakespeare was composing his masterpieces, human heads were on spikes around the city he lived in to discourage criminal behavior. It's a poignant juxtaposition. The acceptable behavior of the day verses the eccentric; an eccentric whose work is still amazing to experts in the fields of literature, art, and psychology.
Can you imagine living in a time when the grotesque was considered as normal as a stop sign? When human life was so devalued that one could get killed on the street for looking at the wrong person in the wrong way? The fact that I can barely imagine what it must have been life is proof to me that our consciousness has indeed advanced. A person would have to be very disconnected from the sense of human nobility to live like that.
Not to beat a dead horse, but slavery is a good example. Here in America it really took a fight to eliminate the practice, but it wasn't long after that all other civilized nations followed suit. Why? Because the adaptation by America of the view of slavery as wrong caused others to question the practice as well. It is my estimate that until that time no one had really ever thought to question it at all. And if it had, it was not nearly as public as the war America fought about it. Inciting a civil war over the practice of slavery put the question in every one's mind, from which they applied their judgements and evaluations. The conclusion, as we can all see clearly now, is that if humanity is equal, then slavery has no part in a just society.
My father brought up an interesting question in his Jewish Tradition classes. In the Talmud there are practices regarding slavery; that the owners should treat their slaves a certain way. In the context of the time the book was written, the attitude displayed towards slavery was far and above what was considered normal. Yet, my dad asked, why was slavery allowed at all? Why didn't the Talmud forbid such a practice? Today, any rational person can conclude that slavery is wrong - it is clear. So it would seem that it should have been clear to the Jews as well. But it was not.
The argument, however, rests on the idea that the consciousness level of the people living at that time is the same as ours today. That they possessed the same ability to reason, intuit, and perceive clearly as the modern mind can. I would say, however, that because slavery is included in the most holiest of books (according to their tradition) that the idea of an evolving mind has much merit. It is clear that they were trying. The way the book spells out how to treat slaves was incredibly humane and fair and totally unheard of at the time. The Jews were really reaching for the best from within themselves to demand these practices from their followers. It is my opinion that they simply did not have the mental capacity to reason out the idea of equal rights for all of humanity. The idea had not come.
I hasten to add that this in no way implies that the Talmud is any less holy. Although I am not a Jew, I have much respect for the religion and the wisdom contained in their teachings. Instead, I like to think that either the minds of the Jewish writers at that time simply were not that open to see the entire idea that God was trying to transmit, or we have not interpreted the historical writings deeply enough. It is amazing what levels of truth you can find when you really dig into books of inspired writing. Perhaps if the open-minded scholars of today interpreted the Talmud with the intensity that they interpret Shakespeare, my father's question would have already been answered.
In closing, I would like to restate the author's point in looking at the history of the human mind in such a way: that we can be a part of that evolutionary process. In fact, we already are just by being here, living our lives, and thinking our thoughts. It is an inspiring message. We, like Shakespeare, can affect the direction of humanity. Our very lives are enriching the human experience and making it bigger and better. It is my belief that Shakespeare, and the other "lights" of history - masters of their time - called the best from himself and gave it to the rest of us. That was his contribution to our today and is an example worth following on many different levels.
Can you imagine living in a time when the grotesque was considered as normal as a stop sign? When human life was so devalued that one could get killed on the street for looking at the wrong person in the wrong way? The fact that I can barely imagine what it must have been life is proof to me that our consciousness has indeed advanced. A person would have to be very disconnected from the sense of human nobility to live like that.
Not to beat a dead horse, but slavery is a good example. Here in America it really took a fight to eliminate the practice, but it wasn't long after that all other civilized nations followed suit. Why? Because the adaptation by America of the view of slavery as wrong caused others to question the practice as well. It is my estimate that until that time no one had really ever thought to question it at all. And if it had, it was not nearly as public as the war America fought about it. Inciting a civil war over the practice of slavery put the question in every one's mind, from which they applied their judgements and evaluations. The conclusion, as we can all see clearly now, is that if humanity is equal, then slavery has no part in a just society.
My father brought up an interesting question in his Jewish Tradition classes. In the Talmud there are practices regarding slavery; that the owners should treat their slaves a certain way. In the context of the time the book was written, the attitude displayed towards slavery was far and above what was considered normal. Yet, my dad asked, why was slavery allowed at all? Why didn't the Talmud forbid such a practice? Today, any rational person can conclude that slavery is wrong - it is clear. So it would seem that it should have been clear to the Jews as well. But it was not.
The argument, however, rests on the idea that the consciousness level of the people living at that time is the same as ours today. That they possessed the same ability to reason, intuit, and perceive clearly as the modern mind can. I would say, however, that because slavery is included in the most holiest of books (according to their tradition) that the idea of an evolving mind has much merit. It is clear that they were trying. The way the book spells out how to treat slaves was incredibly humane and fair and totally unheard of at the time. The Jews were really reaching for the best from within themselves to demand these practices from their followers. It is my opinion that they simply did not have the mental capacity to reason out the idea of equal rights for all of humanity. The idea had not come.
I hasten to add that this in no way implies that the Talmud is any less holy. Although I am not a Jew, I have much respect for the religion and the wisdom contained in their teachings. Instead, I like to think that either the minds of the Jewish writers at that time simply were not that open to see the entire idea that God was trying to transmit, or we have not interpreted the historical writings deeply enough. It is amazing what levels of truth you can find when you really dig into books of inspired writing. Perhaps if the open-minded scholars of today interpreted the Talmud with the intensity that they interpret Shakespeare, my father's question would have already been answered.
In closing, I would like to restate the author's point in looking at the history of the human mind in such a way: that we can be a part of that evolutionary process. In fact, we already are just by being here, living our lives, and thinking our thoughts. It is an inspiring message. We, like Shakespeare, can affect the direction of humanity. Our very lives are enriching the human experience and making it bigger and better. It is my belief that Shakespeare, and the other "lights" of history - masters of their time - called the best from himself and gave it to the rest of us. That was his contribution to our today and is an example worth following on many different levels.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
A Toast to Love
The Third Body
By Robert Bly
A man and a woman sit near each other, and they
do not long
At this moment to be older, or younger, or born
In any other nation, or any other time, or any other
place.
They are content to be where they are, talking or
not talking.
Their breaths together feed someone whom we do
not know.
The man sees the way his fingers move;
He sees her hands close around a book she hands
to him.
They obey a third body that they share in common.
They have promised to love that body.
Age may come; parting may come; death will come!
A man and a woman sit near each other;
As they breathe they feed someone we do not know,
Someone we know of, whom we have never seen.
My very best friend Jessica recently got engaged and it is to her that I dedicate this poem. After dating for three years and going through the highs and lows that a period of time will do to any relationship, her boyfriend, Keith, proposed on the kitchen floor of their shared apartment. A year ago she might have expected it, and indeed she did - we talked about when and where and how it might happen. That was a high point. More recently Jessica has plumbed the depths of the low points. I would have worried if this seemed to be a quick fix to a failing relationship, but its not. Both of them have pulled through for each other and the "third body" had already stabilized when the engagement commenced. That's why I'm so incredibly happy for her.
The commitment to suffer with another can sometimes be the bread that creates the body of a relationship. I'll be honest, I encouraged her to leave him. The way I saw it, he was bringing her down and she's still so young and has so much life left to live. I told her she didn't have to do this work; she didn't have to suffer with him. She could cut her losses and be free to make her life what she wanted. The funny thing is, she did just that, only not the way I expected. She wanted him and cut out the freedom of the single. She wanted to offer her life to the life of the other - and not only him, but the someone who lives with them that none of us will ever see.
And that's why I dedicate this love poem to them. To wish them the kind of contented happiness of which it speaks. I also offer it as a kind of thanks; in appreciation for showing me another way to love. And in celebration for their victory in its name; to lift a glass to the awesome power of love and the joy that they have found within it. Although they were threatened they held onto their love - perhaps only just a strand of it, but it was there - and found a greater strength after the storm had passed.
By Robert Bly
A man and a woman sit near each other, and they
do not long
At this moment to be older, or younger, or born
In any other nation, or any other time, or any other
place.
They are content to be where they are, talking or
not talking.
Their breaths together feed someone whom we do
not know.
The man sees the way his fingers move;
He sees her hands close around a book she hands
to him.
They obey a third body that they share in common.
They have promised to love that body.
Age may come; parting may come; death will come!
A man and a woman sit near each other;
As they breathe they feed someone we do not know,
Someone we know of, whom we have never seen.
My very best friend Jessica recently got engaged and it is to her that I dedicate this poem. After dating for three years and going through the highs and lows that a period of time will do to any relationship, her boyfriend, Keith, proposed on the kitchen floor of their shared apartment. A year ago she might have expected it, and indeed she did - we talked about when and where and how it might happen. That was a high point. More recently Jessica has plumbed the depths of the low points. I would have worried if this seemed to be a quick fix to a failing relationship, but its not. Both of them have pulled through for each other and the "third body" had already stabilized when the engagement commenced. That's why I'm so incredibly happy for her.
The commitment to suffer with another can sometimes be the bread that creates the body of a relationship. I'll be honest, I encouraged her to leave him. The way I saw it, he was bringing her down and she's still so young and has so much life left to live. I told her she didn't have to do this work; she didn't have to suffer with him. She could cut her losses and be free to make her life what she wanted. The funny thing is, she did just that, only not the way I expected. She wanted him and cut out the freedom of the single. She wanted to offer her life to the life of the other - and not only him, but the someone who lives with them that none of us will ever see.
And that's why I dedicate this love poem to them. To wish them the kind of contented happiness of which it speaks. I also offer it as a kind of thanks; in appreciation for showing me another way to love. And in celebration for their victory in its name; to lift a glass to the awesome power of love and the joy that they have found within it. Although they were threatened they held onto their love - perhaps only just a strand of it, but it was there - and found a greater strength after the storm had passed.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Heroes and Superman
Superman returned in 2006, and indeed the movie captured the story of a true hero. Although I am not a huge fan, I joined the fun of watching Clark Kent and his alter ego on the big screen. Superman was dashing and his other-worldly powers as stunning as imagination would allow. Once again, the world was saved by this alien being and human life able to continue along its path of growth and safety. The hero in the movie, however, played a rather small role. Richard, human to the core, stood by as Superman swooped his beloved off her feet, and still he was willing to forfeit his very life for Lois Lane as only a hero can do.
At first blush it is easy to assume that Superman is the hero of this story. But what, really, did Superman do other than what was in his nature? He is an alien, not a human, and so we must judge him by those standards. His alien nature, although similar to a human being, is much more compassionate and his physical powers far greater still. Clark Kent was never destined to be a normal human being - he will ever be different. Were a human to posses the qualities that Superman exhibits, that would be heroic, but it seems even in our imaginations we couldn't quite come up with an explanation for that. At a fundamental level, Superman merely is himself doing what Superman does.
Richard, on the other hand, is a human. As a human, he has all the qualities of a human being; qualities like jealousy, insecurity, selfishness, weakness, fear, and of course, his vision is at best 20/20. In other words, he has human limitations similar to those we all have experience with. Its hard to break free of those barriers and call forth something greater from yourself rather than simply accepting them. That is why we call the people who can "hero." They inspire us because they encourage the belief that we can do the same. In the movie, Richard does just that in the name of love.
As implied in the movie, Richard has stood by the love of his life for a while as she hemmed and hawed about marrying him. Enter Superman and its clear that Richard rightly suspects a renewed connection. A few minutes later she's missing and the world is going crazy. Talk about a stressful situation! He might be losing the woman he loves, and the world as he knows it is literally falling apart. But does he take any thought for himself as he leaps into the plane to save Lois? If he does, it doesn't compare to the love he feels for her and his desire for her safety. He puts his own life at risk for Lios and her son. There is no guarantee he'll make it out alive, he doesn't have super powers, all he has is a little skill and a big heart. THAT is a true hero.
Superman is amazing and I wouldn't want to take that away from him in any way. The compassion he and his family feel for the human race is comforting and a good model for our own behaviors. But to get down to the nuts and bolts part of being truly heroic, you have to face the part of human nature that is NOT loving and compassionate. Richard, being a human, has these qualities inherent in his nature while Superman does not. Richard has to overcome his limitations with the power of love for another, while Superman has been given that power already.
Superman returns, and a hero is made - did you miss him?
At first blush it is easy to assume that Superman is the hero of this story. But what, really, did Superman do other than what was in his nature? He is an alien, not a human, and so we must judge him by those standards. His alien nature, although similar to a human being, is much more compassionate and his physical powers far greater still. Clark Kent was never destined to be a normal human being - he will ever be different. Were a human to posses the qualities that Superman exhibits, that would be heroic, but it seems even in our imaginations we couldn't quite come up with an explanation for that. At a fundamental level, Superman merely is himself doing what Superman does.
Richard, on the other hand, is a human. As a human, he has all the qualities of a human being; qualities like jealousy, insecurity, selfishness, weakness, fear, and of course, his vision is at best 20/20. In other words, he has human limitations similar to those we all have experience with. Its hard to break free of those barriers and call forth something greater from yourself rather than simply accepting them. That is why we call the people who can "hero." They inspire us because they encourage the belief that we can do the same. In the movie, Richard does just that in the name of love.
As implied in the movie, Richard has stood by the love of his life for a while as she hemmed and hawed about marrying him. Enter Superman and its clear that Richard rightly suspects a renewed connection. A few minutes later she's missing and the world is going crazy. Talk about a stressful situation! He might be losing the woman he loves, and the world as he knows it is literally falling apart. But does he take any thought for himself as he leaps into the plane to save Lois? If he does, it doesn't compare to the love he feels for her and his desire for her safety. He puts his own life at risk for Lios and her son. There is no guarantee he'll make it out alive, he doesn't have super powers, all he has is a little skill and a big heart. THAT is a true hero.
Superman is amazing and I wouldn't want to take that away from him in any way. The compassion he and his family feel for the human race is comforting and a good model for our own behaviors. But to get down to the nuts and bolts part of being truly heroic, you have to face the part of human nature that is NOT loving and compassionate. Richard, being a human, has these qualities inherent in his nature while Superman does not. Richard has to overcome his limitations with the power of love for another, while Superman has been given that power already.
Superman returns, and a hero is made - did you miss him?
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